Comical Words of Wisdom

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
4. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
6. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
7. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
9. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
11. My Reality Check bounced.
12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
13. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
14. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
19. Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
22. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
23. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
24. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
25. Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
26. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
27. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
28. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
29. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
30. You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
31. Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
32. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
33. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
34. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)
35. Death is hereditary.
36. There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
37. An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
38. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
39. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
40. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
41. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
42. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
43. They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
44. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
45. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
46. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
47. Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
48. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.