Hilarious Quotes

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
-- Douglas Adams

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
-- Agatha Christie

Always remember that true beauty comes from within — from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes.
-- Peter's Almanac

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes."
-- Frieda Norris

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
-- Hubert Humphrey

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.
-- Ralph Bus

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
-- M. Berle

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
-- Robert Orben

Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are.
-- Quentin Crisp

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-- Douglas Adam

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
-- Les Dawson

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
-- Dennis Miller

If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.
-- Author Unknown

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
-- Author Unknown

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
-- Joey Adams

If you are not living life on the edge then you are taking up too much space.
-- Author Unknown

If you can't go over it or through it, you'd better negotiate with it.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
-- Woody Allen

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want—an adorable pancreas?
-- Jean Kerr

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
-- Dave Barry

It is not necessary to understand, or believe, things in order to argue about them.
-- Pierce Caronde Beaumarchin

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
-- Homer Simpson

Look how often the unexpected happens -- yet we still never expect it.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
-- Ambrose Bierce

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
-- Author Unknown

Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It's too crowded.
-- Yogi Berra

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
-- Bertrand Russell

One possible reason that I don't believe in fate is that I wasn't fated to.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

No, I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.
-- Adrienne Gusoff

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.
-- Anonymous

Strike while your employer has a big contract.
-- Author Unknown

Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that’s really where you wish they were.
-- George E. Bergman

The conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
-- Arthur Bloc

The making of a journalist: no ideas and the ability to express them.
-- Karl Kraus

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
-- Quentin Crisp

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
-- Quentin Crisp

This woman did not fly to extremes; she lived there.
-- Quentin Crisp

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
-- Albert Einstein

When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.
-- Henry Fielding

Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone?
-- Author Unknown

Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?
-- Lily Tomlin

You have to be careful if you don't know where you're going because you might not get there.
-- Yogi Berra

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
-- George Burns

Comical Words of Wisdom

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
4. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
6. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
7. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
9. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
11. My Reality Check bounced.
12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
13. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
14. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
19. Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
22. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
23. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
24. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
25. Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
26. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
27. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
28. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
29. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
30. You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
31. Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
32. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
33. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
34. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)
35. Death is hereditary.
36. There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
37. An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
38. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
39. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
40. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
41. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
42. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
43. They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
44. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
45. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
46. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
47. Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
48. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

The significance of few words

The most destructive habit
Worry
The greatest joy
Giving
The most endangered species
Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource
Our youth
The greatest “shot in the arm”
Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome
Fear
The most effective sleeping pill
Peace of mind
The most crippling disease
Excuses
The most powerful force in life
Love
The most destructive pariah
Gossip
The most incredible computer
The human brain
The worst thing to be without
Hope
The deadliest weapon
The tongue
The two most powerful words
Can do
The greatest asset
Faith
The most worthless emotion
Self-pity
The worst thing you can lose
Self-respect
The most satisfying work
Helping others
The ugliest personality trait
Selfishness
The most beautiful attire
A smile!
The most prized possession
Integrity
The most contageous spirit
Enthusiasm
The most powerful communication
Prayer