Hilarious Quotes

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
-- Douglas Adams

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
-- Agatha Christie

Always remember that true beauty comes from within — from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes.
-- Peter's Almanac

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes."
-- Frieda Norris

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
-- Hubert Humphrey

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.
-- Ralph Bus

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
-- M. Berle

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
-- Robert Orben

Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are.
-- Quentin Crisp

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-- Douglas Adam

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
-- Les Dawson

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
-- Dennis Miller

If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.
-- Author Unknown

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
-- Author Unknown

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
-- Joey Adams

If you are not living life on the edge then you are taking up too much space.
-- Author Unknown

If you can't go over it or through it, you'd better negotiate with it.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
-- Woody Allen

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want—an adorable pancreas?
-- Jean Kerr

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
-- Dave Barry

It is not necessary to understand, or believe, things in order to argue about them.
-- Pierce Caronde Beaumarchin

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
-- Homer Simpson

Look how often the unexpected happens -- yet we still never expect it.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
-- Ambrose Bierce

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
-- Author Unknown

Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It's too crowded.
-- Yogi Berra

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
-- Bertrand Russell

One possible reason that I don't believe in fate is that I wasn't fated to.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

No, I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.
-- Adrienne Gusoff

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.
-- Anonymous

Strike while your employer has a big contract.
-- Author Unknown

Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that’s really where you wish they were.
-- George E. Bergman

The conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
-- Arthur Bloc

The making of a journalist: no ideas and the ability to express them.
-- Karl Kraus

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
-- Quentin Crisp

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
-- Quentin Crisp

This woman did not fly to extremes; she lived there.
-- Quentin Crisp

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
-- Albert Einstein

When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.
-- Henry Fielding

Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone?
-- Author Unknown

Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?
-- Lily Tomlin

You have to be careful if you don't know where you're going because you might not get there.
-- Yogi Berra

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
-- George Burns

Comical Words of Wisdom

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
4. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
6. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
7. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
9. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
11. My Reality Check bounced.
12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
13. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
14. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
19. Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
22. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
23. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
24. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
25. Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
26. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
27. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
28. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
29. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
30. You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
31. Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
32. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
33. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
34. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)
35. Death is hereditary.
36. There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
37. An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
38. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
39. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
40. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
41. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
42. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
43. They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
44. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
45. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
46. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
47. Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
48. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

The significance of few words

The most destructive habit
Worry
The greatest joy
Giving
The most endangered species
Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource
Our youth
The greatest “shot in the arm”
Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome
Fear
The most effective sleeping pill
Peace of mind
The most crippling disease
Excuses
The most powerful force in life
Love
The most destructive pariah
Gossip
The most incredible computer
The human brain
The worst thing to be without
Hope
The deadliest weapon
The tongue
The two most powerful words
Can do
The greatest asset
Faith
The most worthless emotion
Self-pity
The worst thing you can lose
Self-respect
The most satisfying work
Helping others
The ugliest personality trait
Selfishness
The most beautiful attire
A smile!
The most prized possession
Integrity
The most contageous spirit
Enthusiasm
The most powerful communication
Prayer

Things to keep in mind before going for health insurance

Things to keep in mind before going for health insurance

1.       Don’t consider insurance as an investment option, it should be purely considered as a protection cover against any bad excegencies.

2.      Firstly recognize your needs, make a list of your needs before choosing any company or product for the best results. For instance:

Ø      Do you or a family member require specialists or specific treatments?

Ø      Does someone in your family need chronic care or costly medication?

Ø      Will the location of the doctors make transportation an issue?

Ø      Do you prefer to use a nearby hospital? Not every plan uses the nearest hospital.

Ø      Do you or family members require mental health benefits?

Ø      What other factors are important to you?

Ø      …a specific doctor?
…direct access to a specific gynecologist or pediatrician?
…a clinic that is open in the evenings?
…no or low drug co-payments?

Ø      Do you need ancillary services such as vision, dental or medical equipment? Will you require home health coverage?

3.      Check out for any genetic/hereditary diseases prevalent in your family tree that you may carry forward.. For ex: heart diseases, diabetes etc.

4.      Always try to buy a combo insurance plan which covers both your general insurance need as well as medical cover. If you are an only earning person in your family you need to check whether your elder ones in family are covered with medical expenses.

5.      Don’t think of ULIP plans unless you are covered in both general and medical insurance.

6.      Stick to your needs, there may be a case that the agent may cajole you.

7.      Don’t entertain any promotion call from call centers or agencies who are promoting product which u won’t require.

8.      Remember not to be carried away by persuasive agents and publicity.

9.      Once a product meets your requirements clarify all the doubts and match your specifications with the product. Although insurance agents would help you in choosing your insurance coverage plan, ultimately, you are the one who would have to select among the many plans offered to you.

10.   Do a thorough research on what other companies are offering for the same insurance plan. Investigating for the price of the same policy from different insurance companies will allow you to choose the cheapest one.

11.    Once you settle down on the product and vending company, investigate for its feedback through various sources like internet, peers experience etc.

12.   As far as possible meet the agent in person rather than having a telephonic conversation. Workout on all the possibilities and then agree on buying the policy.

13.   If you are in need of regular prescriptions, you must opt for policy which covers prescriptions also.

14.   If you wish to visit a any specialist, chiropractor or an acupuncturist or a psychiatrist in the future, you would have to check if that is included in the plan you are looking at. If visits to these types of doctors are not covered, you would have to pay for them from your own

15.    Check for emergency care. Would they cover only injury and broken bones during an accident or would they also cover health problems that can be treated in the emergency room? If you are required to stay in the hospital after the emergency, would the plan cover the medical expenses as well?

16.   It may be a pain, but scan and interpret the entire policy document to make sure nothing is overlooked.

17.   Cross verify your doubts and take immediate actions if the policy document varies with the verbal commitment by the agent.

The above mentioned things are from my personal experience and thanks to very good friend of mine vijay for his contribution to this post.

Beware of Any Insurance Vendor.............

It was October_09, I started getting repeated calls from TATA AIG for Health Insurance product Health First. The calls were so repetitive that I was compelled to purchase the policy, but they also sold me Health Investor by their coax which was not my requirement. The real story starts here, coz these polices were sold to me on false commitments. I was told that the policy covers all the surgeries and all the renowned hospitals in Mumbai (even though its not mentioned in the policy documents) but it was not so, also the the benefit period of Health Investor was wrongly conveyed. Secondly I didn't got any receipt of my premium payment from TATA after the first receipt. 

When I wanted to cancel my Health Investor Policy I didn't got any cooperation from your operation department. I was instructed by the customer care to meet Operation Manager who operates from Vashi office. I tried to call him multiple times, but he never responded to the calls. So I decided to visit personally to the office, but it was even more devastating experience. I waited there for one hour for the said Operation Manager, but he didn't took efforts to come and meet me personally. I was extremely disappointed and went back.

Thenafter I repeatedly kept calling the vashi office but they treated me badly. The security guard who handles the reception also, neither transferred the call to the Operation Head nor to any of person in operation department saying that there is only one person in the whole operation department and he has gone for launch (at 4.30 pm) and will be back by one hour. Then again I called after one hour and the security guard literally used bad words to me instead transferring the line to the Operation head. Even few of my friends had the same experience.

The most astonishing thing is that none of the executive neither any concerned person are available as first point of contact after selling the policy to the customers.I regret to say that I had extremely bad experience with TATA despite of its renowned status. 

 But I would also like to mention the working of such companies which is extremely awry. These big companies pass on their products to various call centers to sell their product without proper training and guidelines and they are the real culprits.They just sell the product by giving any commitment, and then the blame game starts.
But we should also take the responsibility of doing thorough research of any insurance product/company before getting tapped.

Below mentioned link can be useful for research/complaint before or after purchasing any product.

http://www.consumercourt.in/

 

History of Indian Flag

Every free nation of the world has its own flag. It is a symbol of a free country. The National Flag of India was designed by Pingali Venkayyaand and adopted in its present form during the meeting of Constituent Assembly held on the 22 July 1947, a few days before India's independence from the British on 15 August, 1947. It served as the national flag of the Dominion of India between 15 August 1947 and 26 January 1950 and that of the Republic of India thereafter. In India, the term "tricolour" refers to the Indian national flag.
The National flag of India is a horizontal tricolor of deep saffron (kesari) at the top, white in the middle and dark green at the bottom in equal proportion. The ratio of width of the flag to its length is two to three. In the centre of the white band is a navy blue wheel which represents the chakra. Its design is that of the wheel which appears on the abacus of the Sarnath Lion Capital of Ashoka. Its diameter approximates to the width of the white band and it has 24 spokes.

Evolution of the Tricolour

It is really amazing to see the various changes that our National Flag went through since its first inception. It was discovered or recognised during our national struggle for freedom. The evolution of the Indian National Flag sailed through many vicissitudes to arrive at what it is today. In one way it reflects the political developments in the nation. Some of the historical milestones in the evolution of our National Flag involve the following:

Unofficial flag of India
in 1906


The Berlin committee
flag, first raised by
Bhikaiji Cama in 1907


The flag used during the
Home Rule movement
in 1917


The flag unofficially
adopted in 1921


The flag adopted in 1931.
This flag was also the
battle ensign of the
Indian National Army


The present Tricolour
flag of India

The first national flag in India is said to have been hoisted on August 7, 1906, in the Parsee Bagan Square (Green Park) in Calcutta now Kolkata. The flag was composed of three horizontal strips of red, yellow and green.
The second flag was hoisted in Paris by Madame Cama and her band of exiled revolutionaries in 1907 (according to some inl9OS). This was very similar to the first flag except that the top strip had only one lotus but seven stars denoting the Saptarishi. This flag was also exhibited at a socialist conference in Berlin.
The third flag went up in 1917 when our political struggle had taken a definite turn. Dr. Annie Besant and Lokmanya Tilak hoisted it during the Home rule movement. This flag had five red and four green horizontal strips arranged alternately, with seven stars in the saptarishi configuration super-imposed on them. In the left-hand top corner (the pole end) was the Union Jack. There was also a white crescent and star in one corner.
During the session of the All India Congress Committee which met at Bezwada in 1921 (now Vijayawada) an Andhra youth prepared a flag and took it to Gandhiji. It was made up of two colours-red and green-representing the two major communities i.e. Hindus and Muslims. Gandhiji suggested the addition of a white strip to represent the remaining communities of India and the spinning wheel to symbolise progress of the Nation.
The year 1931 was a landmark in the history of the flag. A resolution was passed adopting a tricolor flag as our national flag. This flag, the forbear of the present one, was saffron, white and green with Mahatma Gandhi's spinning wheel at the center. It was, however, clearly stated that it bore no communal significance and was to be interpreted thus.
On July 22, 1947, the Constituent Assembly adopted it as Free India National Flag. After the advent of Independence, the colours and their significance remained the same. Only the Dharma Charkha of Emperor Asoka was adopted in place of the spinning wheel as the emblem on the flag. Thus, the tricolour flag of the Congress Party eventually became the tricolour flag of Independent India.

Colours of the Flag:

In the national flag of India the top band is of Saffron colour, indicating the strength and courage of the country. The white middle band indicates peace and truth with Dharma Chakra. The last band is green in colour shows the fertility, growth and auspiciousness of the land.

The Chakra:

This Dharma Chakra depicted the "wheel of the law" in the Sarnath Lion Capital made by the 3rd-century BC Mauryan Emperor Ashoka. The chakra intends to show that there is life in movement and death in stagnation.

Flag Code

On 26th January 2002, the Indian flag code was modified and after several years of independence, the citizens of India were finally allowed to hoist the Indian flag over their homes, offices and factories on any day and not just National days as was the case earlier. Now Indians can proudly display the national flag any where and any time, as long as the provisions of the Flag Code are strictly followed to avoid any disrespect to the tricolour. For the sake of convenience, Flag Code of India, 2002, has been divided into three parts. Part I of the Code contains general description of the National Flag. Part II of the Code is devoted to the display of the National Flag by members of public, private organizations, educational institutions, etc. Part III of the Code relates to display of the National Flag by Central and State governments and their organisations and agencies.
There are some rules and regulations upon how to fly the flag, based on the 26 January 2002 legislation. These include the following:

The Do's:

• The National Flag may be hoisted in educational institutions (schools, colleges, sports camps, scout camps, etc.) to inspire respect for the Flag. An oath of allegiance has been included in the flag hoisting in schools.
• A member of public, a private organization or an educational institution may hoist/display the National Flag on all days and occasions, ceremonial or otherwise consistent with the dignity and honour of the National Flag.
• Section 2 of the new code accepts the right of all private citizens to fly the flag on their premises.

The Don'ts

• The flag cannot be used for communal gains, drapery, or clothes. As far as possible, it should be flown from sunrise to sunset, irrespective of the weather.
• The flag cannot be intentionally allowed to touch the ground or the floor or trail in water. It cannot be draped over the hood, top, and sides or back of vehicles, trains, boats or aircraft.
• No other flag or bunting can be placed higher than the flag. Also, no object, including flowers or garlands or emblems can be placed on or above the flag. The tricolour cannot be used as a festoon, rosette or bunting.

The Indian National Flag represents the hopes and aspirations of the people of India. It is the symbol of our national pride. Over the last five decades, several people including members of armed forces have ungrudgingly laid down their lives to keep the tricolour flying in its full glory.

Constitution of India

India, also known as Bharat, is a Union of States. It is a Sovereign Socialist Democratic Republic with a parliamentary system of government. The Republic is governed in terms of the Constitution of India which was adopted by the Constituent Assembly on 26^th November 1949 and came into force on 26^th January 1950.
The Constitution provides for a Parliamentary form of government which is federal in structure with certain unitary features. The constitutional head of the Executive of the Union is the President. As per Article 79 of the Constitution of India, the council of the Parliament of the Union consists of the President and two Houses known as the Council of States (Rajya Sabha) and the House of the People (Lok Sabha). Article 74(1) of the Constitution provides that there shall be a Council of Ministers with the Prime Minister as its head to aid and advise the President, who shall exercise his functions in accordance to the advice. The real executive power is thus vested in the Council of Ministers with the Prime Minister as its head.
The Council of Ministers is collectively responsible to the House of the People (Lok Sabha). Every State has a Legislative Assembly. Certain States have an upper House also called State Legislative Council. There is a Governor for each state who is appointed by the President. Governor is the Head of the State and the executive power of the State is vested in him. The Council of Ministers with the Chief Minister as its head advises the Governor in the discharge of the executive functions. The Council of the Ministers of a state is collectively responsible to the Legislative Assembly of the State.
The Constitution distributes legislative powers between Parliament and State legislatures as per the lists of entries in the Seventh Schedule to the Constitution. The residuary powers vest in the Parliament. The centrally administered territories are called Union Territories.